{"id":2483,"date":"2019-06-17T07:14:50","date_gmt":"2019-06-17T11:14:50","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/robinbotie.com\/blog\/?p=2483"},"modified":"2019-06-17T10:09:57","modified_gmt":"2019-06-17T14:09:57","slug":"life-with-a-dead-daughter-when-people-forget-or-dont-know","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/robinbotie.com\/blog\/life-with-a-dead-daughter-when-people-forget-or-dont-know\/","title":{"rendered":"Life with a Dead Daughter: When People Forget or Don’t Know"},"content":{"rendered":"

<\/a>\u201cHow\u2019s your girl doing?\u201d asked an old friend at a public event last week. Dumbfounded, I stopped breathing and stared at him. He couldn\u2019t mean My Girl, as in my daughter who died. Was he maybe inquiring about my BFF inherited dog? Or the young woman who helps me in the garden? No\u2014he really was asking about my daughter\u2014whose funeral and memorial he had, himself, attended eight years ago.<\/span>
\n\u201cUh, well, you know she d\u2014,\u201d I stopped myself.<\/span><\/p>\n

It had been years since I\u2019d run into someone who didn\u2019t know of Marika\u2019s death, where I\u2019d have to awkwardly inform them of her demise. I hate having to spill this to clueless folks who, as a result, will feel queasy around me forever after. Sometimes people who know my story avoid me, like maybe they\u2019re scared I\u2019ll fall apart howling. Spotting old friends at weddings and funerals, I\u2019ve learned to wait and let them approach me rather than descend upon them. And I never mention my daughter unless they do, even though I\u2019m itching to talk about her. Such is life with a dead daughter. I feel I have to protect people. I leave them plenty of time and space to make the first move. If they\u2019re brave enough.<\/span><\/p>\n

But this guy had known my daughter died.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cHow\u2019s your girl?\u201d He asked again, with warm smiling eyes.<\/span>
\n\u201cWell, um\u2014I\u2019m keeping her close in my heart,\u201d I tell the poor fellow, trying to simultaneously show him I\u2019m okay, and he\u2019s okay for not remembering, and remind him that Marika is dead. It was the best response I could come up with in my shock.<\/span><\/p>\n

He cocked his head, and I repeated in a steady calm voice, \u201cI keep her very close in my heart,\u201d emphasizing \u2018heart.\u2019 He winced, and smacked his face. And I thought he would shrivel up and sink through the floor in mortification of forgetting. I told him it was all cool, and thanked him for thinking of Marika. He broke free of me shortly after.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cWhat is Marika like?\u201d one of my hiker friends asked, the very next day, upon seeing the tattoo of Marika\u2019s name on my bare arm.<\/span>
\n\u201cThank you for using the present tense, since I think of my daughter as still being here in many ways,\u201d I said, not entirely sure she understood that Marika is dead. Then I merrily answered her, rambling on and on about my favorite subject to talk about.<\/span><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

When\u2019s the last time you invited a bereaved parent to talk about her beloved child?<\/em><\/span><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

“How’s your girl doing?” asked an old friend at a public event last week. Dumbfounded, I stopped breathing and stared at him. He couldn’t mean My Girl, as in my daughter who died. Was he maybe inquiring about my BFF inherited dog? Or the young woman who helps me in the garden? No—he really was […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_monsterinsights_skip_tracking":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_active":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_note":"","_monsterinsights_sitenote_category":0,"footnotes":""},"categories":[1758],"tags":[494,438,105,1915,188,1914,1913],"class_list":["post-2483","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-1758","tag-child-loss","tag-coping-with-loss","tag-grieving-mother","tag-life-with-my-dead-daughter","tag-my-daughter-died","tag-talking-about-the-dead","tag-talking-to-bereaved-parents"],"aioseo_notices":[],"aioseo_head":"\n\t\t\n\t\n\t\n\t\n\t\n\t\n\t\n\t\n\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t