{"id":569,"date":"2014-07-21T09:53:39","date_gmt":"2014-07-21T13:53:39","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/robinbotie.com\/blog\/?p=569"},"modified":"2014-07-22T05:38:37","modified_gmt":"2014-07-22T09:38:37","slug":"now","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/robinbotie.com\/blog\/now\/","title":{"rendered":"Who Am I Now?"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"WhoIn the photography lab at Tompkins Cortland Community College<\/a>, a student played back a video she\u2019d taken.
\n\u201cLook,\u2019 she said, handing me the camera. I watched a silent scene of my instructor patiently speaking with some non-descript middle-aged woman. Wearing my favorite reddish-color, the woman pointed and pontificated.
\n\u201cOh my gosh. That\u2019s me,\u201d I said three minutes later as the segment ended and the screen turned black. Who would know me? I hadn\u2019t even recognized myself.<\/p>\n

Who am I now? I wondered the first day I came home after my daughter died. Am I still the mother of a daughter?
\n\u201cWhat am I supposed to do with my life now?\u201d I asked after traveling alone to Australia to scatter Marika\u2019s<\/a> ashes.
\nWho am I? I considered as I wrote the author bio<\/a> for my book proposal. \u201cDesigner and dreamer in Ithaca, New York,\u201d I used to say. For years I was, \u201cart teacher, special education teacher.\u201d Now I type, \u201cwriter, blogger,\u201d and remember Marika wanted to be these things. \u201cAnd Photo-shopper,\u201d I add, feeling I\u2019m getting closer.<\/p>\n

On Sunday August 3rd<\/sup>, 1PM at Buffalo Street Books<\/a> in Ithaca, I will read for 30 minutes from my book. If you come to my reading you will not see a bereft, shell-shocked mother with tissues lining her pockets. The depressed, directionless wimp who couldn\u2019t consider tweeting or exposing her fears online will not be there.
\nYou will see someone who still tries to duet with her dead daughter, who appreciates the ways her daughter\u2019s dreams have affected her own. You will see me stretching into my new role, humbled but not devastated by what life has thrown at me. Somewhere in the process of learning to accept change and challenge, I\u2019ve allowed myself to grow.<\/p>\n

Some days I don\u2019t recognize myself.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

In the photography lab at Tompkins Cortland Community College, a student played back a video she’d taken. “Look,’ she said, handing me the camera. I watched a silent scene of my instructor patiently speaking with some non-descript middle-aged woman. Wearing my favorite reddish-color, the woman pointed and pontificated. “Oh my gosh. That’s me,” I said […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_monsterinsights_skip_tracking":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_active":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_note":"","_monsterinsights_sitenote_category":0,"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[196,100,194,193,198,197,192,195,191],"class_list":["post-569","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-1","tag-accepting-what-life-brings","tag-after-my-daughter-died","tag-bereft-mother","tag-book-reading","tag-buffalo-street-books","tag-growing-through-loss","tag-my-daughters-dream","tag-what-life-throws-at-you","tag-who-am-i-now"],"aioseo_notices":[],"aioseo_head":"\n\t\t\n\t\n\t\n\t\n\t\n\t\n\t\n\t\n\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t